Wednesday, February 21, 2018

It's been far too long...(You're not as alone as you think)

Good evening Blog. Not even sure if anyone is even still on this site. I stumbled upon this a little while ago and thought to myself... "Josh why aren't you using this medium." Well I going to try and start. With this first entry I want to get serious with you guys. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression. I do everything that I can to make myself better on a day by day basis. It's not alway easy though. Some days I find myself just sitting alone in a room. I'm not forced into this by any means and am well within in my power to leave and yet... here I sit typing on this computer hoping to connect with anyone. It's been a rough go these last few years and I have been doing everything I can to stay busy and process little by little. I am sure that this is very unhealthy in the eyes of most professional, but I can't help that this is the most effective way for me to process. See I used to put on this face. Let's call it "FUN" Josh. He was always upbeat, always smiling and always there to party or whatever needed to get you to be happy. It was unbelievably exhausting, but far better than the alternative. The alternative being "Are you alright?" "What's wrong?" "Smile!" "What do you have to be depressed about?". I don't fucking know Karen! If I did guess what? I would fix it. Over the last few years though I have taken this face off. I have shown everyone that Josh's really only okay and happy about 45% of the time and I'm being generous. This has caused me to lose people close to me. To realize who really was a friend and who only like the "FUN" Josh that I was pretending to be. Now I am not sitting here saying "Oh look at me feel bad for me guys." To be completely honest if you think that this message isn't for you. I am telling whoever is reading this these things with one hope. That it reaches someone sitting along in a room sad, lonely, anxious and it reaches them like a warm hug. A hug telling them your not as alone as you think. Somewhere is someone else in your same shoes. In their room wishing they had the energy to leave. Wishing that they had a large enough social battery to go out and soak up the company they are so longing for. I know we here this all the time, but I can't help wanting to beat that dead horse one more time. It's not easy guys. It's not going to be. It's a struggle, but we have to stop letting ourselves become our diseases. Once you do that you start going down hill instead of up. Now this may never reach any body this may end up on a server somewhere as 1's and 0's for the remainder of said servers life never to be clicked. I as a person cannot hold this in anymore though. I'm with you even if you feel alone there's me sitting in my room sending whatever goodness I have in me to you now. Hoping that it reaches you and stops you from doing whatever horrible thing that the depression is suggesting. I know what it's like to have the endless pop up ads in your head of the past things you so desperately want to go away. I know what it's like to wish for someone to come home to, but struggling to people long enough to even become friends with someone. "I know." I've rambled at you about this for long enough though. Please for me though remember. You're never really alone. We're are all in this together. One Team... One Speed. Hope you guys have a wonderful rest of your evening, Josh Tree